An Update

It seems that happiness is something that doesn’t just fall into your lap. This, I know, very well. Happiness, in it’s truest form, is something that you must practice at, repeatedly strive for and undyingly fight for. It may seem counterintuitive to fight for happiness, but I can tell you this is what needs to be done.

I described to you how I have been going to sleep each night. Now, I will explain how I greet each morning.
Each morning I wake up with the slight appearance of dawn in the foggy windows of the camper bunk. Dungee is faithfully snoring beside me, taking up more of the pillows and blankets than another human should, let alone a dog. It’s chilly out, and I can see dew drops in the screens of the windows. It’s quiet, it’s dawn and it’s lonely. I can usually get away with being awake for only a few moments before my eyelashes blinking alerts Dungee that I am awake. She yawns big kelpy smelling yawns in my face, rolls her head into my neck, sticks her belly in the air, holds her paws up high and I have no choice now, but to be awake and inevitably pet her belly.
This ritual makes mornings not only bearable, but it forces me to break a smile.
If not for Dungee I would probably find myself in the top bunk of the camper until noon, watching the world come awake and go about it’s day while I wallow in self pity. But, as you know, dogs need to pee outside and so I am forced to offer her a walk. At the mention of ‘walk’ her tail beats the camper ceiling so rapidly I have no choice now but to laugh. I am now smiling AND laughing. A miracle.

I am staying at the Campgrounds, courtesy of a long-distance booking from my parents on their Visa card. I am on my second morning here, and each morning gets a bit better. Once Dungee has successfully manipulated me out of my bed I am up, making espresso and gathering a sandy tennis ball to toss to her on the beach while we walk.
The morning walk is spent, just us two, walking along a stretch of surf break called “George’s”. Each day, it seems, I am sent a new sign that things will get better. Two days ago it was a lovely Irish lady named Clarence who spotted an ‘almost rainbow’ with me as we crossed paths on the beach. She immediately launched into how much she loved Ireland, because of the rainbows and the people. We talked for a bit and she introduced herself and asked a bit about me. I gave her an overall synopsis and she gave me encouragement “anyone who meets you would love to work with you.” That little nugget of encouragement went a long way for me that day.
Yesterday morning as I was walking Dungee along the same stretch of beach, I saw a school of dolphins splashing and playing crazily along the break. They were jumping and twisting and turning and just so damn happy I thought they were being attacked by sharks. They were just playing. Funny.
I walked to an overlook and sat and took in the whole stretch of beach. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my favorite break (that shall go nameless) and it was… empty.
I must explain that finding your favorite break empty is a bit like being an 11 year old who walks up to the gates of Disneyland and is told “oh! You are the first one here today! We were hoping someone would come and ride Space Mountain!”
I quickly went back to the camper, fed Dungee, flung on my wetsuit and paddled out.
For a full hour I had the break all to myself. I paddled for the first wave, caught it and rode it all the way to shore. I went back out, caught another one and tried some harder turns, short cuts, turns and dips. I paddled out again and as I sat waiting for a wave 3 dolphins came 10 feet away from me and broke through the water, up and back down again as they made their way north. I tried some funny squeaky sounds to get them to stay and play with me, but they kept going. No matter, another wave was coming! I took in more waves, better than I had ever ridden them before. Each time I rode one and did something new I would jump off my board, plunge into the water and come up and look around, ready to yell out “DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!” But, no one was there. It was only me.
At first I thought this was sad. I was having the session of my short surf lifetime and I had no one to witness it. But then I realized that surfing was, again, trying to teach me a life lesson. Life is not about who is there watching, who is there with you or who you proved yourself to. Life first has to be about yourself. Proving to yourself what you can do, what makes you happy and what you can accomplish… on your own. The realization that I only had myself as witness to my accomplishment and the fact that my own pride in myself is what I was most proud of filled me with immense joy.
I found myself… happy.

It seems as if in the quest for happiness you must, not so simply, pick yourself up, day after day and just keep trying. You must keep doing those very simple yet overwhelming tasks that you know are good for you, but just seem like a pain in the ass. Waking up early. Walking your dog. Taking your camera with you. Surfing.
By making sure I was doing these things every day I slowly started to come back into myself.
I won’t say that I am back, but I am trying to come back.

The other thing I am dealing with? The thing I keep getting asked about the most? What happened with Jorma?
Well, you can’t make someone love you. Plain and simple. One of life’s hardest lessons. You’d think I’d know this one by now. Jorma is convinced that we are not meant to be together. This revelation from him brought me to me knees. I did not see it coming. I did not want this to happen. I imagined years of happiness and scrabble and surfing and cooking and laughing and… but he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t believe it. And so, I have to walk away. You can’t make someone stay. You can’t make someone love you.

So, each morning that I go on my walk, beginning my day, I truly begin by missing Jorma being with me. But I walk anyway, because it is what I love to do. Instead of talking to him, I collect sea shells. Instead of holding his hand, I watch the surf break. Instead of competing in ball throwing contests, I throw every ball for Dungee myself. I drink my espresso, I sit on picnic tables, I talk to strangers, and mostly… I think…

Surfing by myself has been hard too. Jorma was the one that taught me how to surf. He is usually there telling me exactly where to sit, when to paddle and giving me a ‘shaka’ when I do well. Now, it’s just me and the ocean.

I am not going to demonize Jorma. He strongly believes in his heart that we aren’t meant to be together and he also in the same breathe says that I am the best girlfriend he ever had. So he must be pretty damn convinced. He has allowed me use of his truck, which holds the camper, until I find a place to live. He has given me some money to survive on. I thank him immensely for that.

Though my heart is broken, I still have no job (though a few prospects) and I am temporarily living in the campgrounds, I see a little bright light forming in the distance. I don’t know what I am supposed to do yet with my life, but I keep trying every day to find that out. (OH, yeah, after walking and surfing I spend the rest of my day in the public library scouring Craigslist for jobs and apartments, it’s not all deep thinking and waves. There is some computer time too.) I am hoping something comes to me soon.

I’ll keep you all posted on how I’m doing and what opportunities hopefully come my way. In the meantime, as some fans of mine in Indiana (who have been following me since the Letterman appearance) say “palms up, Amanda. Palms up”.

With love, from 85’s
Amanda


And to those that want my address, I have a private mailbox:
2033 San Elijo Ave #264
Cardiff CA 92007

I don't even know where to begin. I asked for inspiration, advice and criticism and it poured in. At one of my darkest hours I heard from people all over the globe! Really! ALL over! Phone messages, text messages, im's, gchats, facebook messages, emails and some people even sent me letters and well needed cash.
I am overwhelmed.
I am blessed.
I am, because of the beautiful people in my life, putting on a brave face, believing in my 'irish blood' and dusting myself off.

I am also doing something I did at other trying times. Before I go to sleep, I lie on my back, my arms at my side and my palms straight up. I thank whomever or whatever is above me for what I DO have. Last night, in the camper, outside of my old roommate Johanna's house, I was thankful for Johanna and her refuge, for my amazing dog Dungee, for my family, for my friends, for my health, and for being able to surf. I have kept surfing every day, knowing that surfing is what truly brings me joy, peace and happiness. It has been the most beautiful therapy I could ask for, with the exception of your words and messages.

Speaking of that therapy... I have compiled just a few of my favorite messages that were sent via text, gchat or email (sorry! some came over the phone and I wasn't able to post!). These are the messages that keep me going, that keep me believing that life could be beautiful again. The photo in this post is courtesy of my amazing friend Lisa, who is going through similar times and found herself asking God for a sign yesterday and soon found herself facing a sign. God is funny. Oh, and the Universe is too. Be sure to check out what the Universe has to say to you, recommended by my friend Joe and his lovely inspirational girlfriend, Liz.

And now, words from other people that rock:

"Life is kind of like Jenga. Sometimes you just have to rebuild because we ourselves or someone else pulls that piece out and BAM...it all just crumbles. And dammit it took so long to build!" Lisa A.

" i am so sorry to hear you are down. just remember we all feel that way at different times in our lives. you are one of the most talented people i have ever known and i hope you can just pick yourself up and get out there and do what you need to do! you have such a good eye for beauty and composition...is that not the direction where you want to go? you will be a gem for some lucky employer, i just know it. it just takes some bumps in the road to get there, i guess." - Betsy

"We're all worried, but that's OK, that's what family is for. You are brilliant and wonderful." - Laurie (my sister).

"You only fail when you don't try. You put your heart into something and you know what, yeah, it didn't turn out like you envisioned. Life is a mixture of twists and turns. How boring if we were all on a straight path to nowhere?" Lisa A.

"You always feel better when the sun comes out. Get your irish blood up in the morning and things will feel better." - Mom

"Food, shelter, and safety are the most basic AND most important human needs, and while I'm sure your family isn't about to let you and your dog starve while you're figuring things out, there's not really much they can do about keeping you safe from moment to moment. So that's where I'm willing to offer you some non-hollow smoke for your ass--I just happen to be less than two-hours away, so if you ever need anything in that regard, I'm not kidding that I drive pretty fast. And, I'm a total badass, so that should help." - Derek L.

"To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. To make all your friends feel that there is something in them. ~ To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. To think only of the best, and expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble." - Joe B.

"just because you are hotter, smarter, more interesting, more motivated, and a better person than some people around you... well, that doesn't make anything easier, does it?" - Sonya

"As I have lately decided to change up my life for a better path of health and happiness, I know how heavy your heart and mind weighs during times like this. Believe in your strength and know that you are not alone. Much love from Cincy...Feel my hug!" - Debbie

"I've got something in my pocket that belongs across my face, I keep it very close to me in the most convenient place. I'm sure you couldn't guess it, if you guessed a long, long while. So I'll take it out and put it on, it's a great big Amanda smile" - from ??? (courtesy of the Brownies)

"anyway, you're the shit, and i know you'll figure it out, but we'd love to see you if you wanna come hang out in NY for a while." - Sonya


Life, it seems, is getting better.
Thank You,
Amanda

A letter to my friends and family -or- Down n' out way south of Beverly Hills

It has been a while since my last post and I have been posting less frequently, I know. I decided that I would try and only make "happy" posts, but then decided that I wouldn't really be telling the whole story now, would I? So, with a very sad and humble heart I will update you on my life as it is today.

First, I believe that the harder you try, the more you believe and the more you give, open up and be honest with yourself and to those around you the world and the universe will reward you. This was my driving force in picking up, moving on and following my dream to surf and live in California. This was also why I decided to share my experiences through a blog, so that everyone could see the adventure and hopefully be inspired to someday follow your dreams as well. So, today I'll tell you how it has turned out thus far.

I write this from the public library in Encinitas, CA. The camper is parked outside, Dungee faithfully taking a nap in 'her spot' on the side couch. I have $80 to my name, no job and I am on my own.

First, the $80. How did I get to $80? Well, I moved here with juuuuust enough to squeak by. Figuring I could land fast and start building right away. I tried to make it last as long as possible, but with losing my job at Bull Taco I found myself in a rough patch.

Why didn't Bull Taco work out? I decided to work there because I wanted to be on the beach, I stayed there because I wanted to take part in building a small business. Plus, I was promised profit sharing. Seemed like a no-brainer. Taco shop on the beach? But, it was supposed to open in May, and didn't open until August. I worked faithfully and did a damn good job every day since the day we were able to open. But August is a rather shitty time to try and open a business on the beach and business began dwindling fast after Labor Day. I still plugged along faithfully as I believed in it. One day I went into work and I was told that they could no longer keep me on. The reason I was 'let go' was because I was too expensive. I was paid $10 an hour to run the entire shop on my own for 90% of my morning shift, cooking, taking orders and also making up recipes. This usually brought in $240 a week with taxes. The business never turned a profit (for reasons which I don't think I need to get into here), so I only made the hourly wage (somedays though I did make $10 in tips). So, I was fired for being a burden on the business, but I believe I was trying to save it. Such is life.

I have been sending out resumes, going on interviews and keeping my chin up since. Trying to find a job that I will both love and be able to support myself on. I tried working for the DNC, campaigning for them, as I posted about. But, this job was just a high-pressured sales job that sent me into neighborhoods at night, knocking on doors by myself and asking people for money to support the DNC. I didn't think it was necessarily a great cause (I don't believe in blanketing support for a party, but believe in supporting individuals such as OBAMA) and I mostly didn't think it was safe for a woman to be knocking on doors in strange neighborhoods by herself at night. The kind folks at Grassroots Campaigns Inc. didn't agree with me, telling me "none of the other women mind it". To Howard Dean, who is behind the organization, I say, shame on you all. So, I quit. I chose personal safetey over 30% commissions on money raised (which is what all those who work for the campaign get of the money they raise. Nice to know, eh?).

I'm still looking for a job.

Back to the camper...
We were dwindling in our shared funds, and were rescued by an air-mailed check from my lovely sister in Switzerland. I can't tell you how humbling it is to be saved by a check from your sister. Thank You to her very much.

It's not easy being poor in a camper. Especially when your whole reason for being in one is to save money to someday buy a house and you haven't saved a penny. We were getting progressively stressed out. But I honestly believed that better times were just around the corner, we just had to be strong, be there for each other and keep trying.

Last week something finally came through and Jorma was offered a good job in downtown San Diego. He started this week, just in time, and things were starting to look up. His new job offered him the ability to not only work in a loft downtown, but also to live in the loft. This morning, he has decided to no longer live with me and Dungee in the camper and to live in the loft downtown.

That is where I am at today.

I share this with all of you as 99.99% of you are my friends and relatives that read this and I humbly ask for your support, your kind words and your advice. I will be doing a lot of thinking over the next hours, days and months about what I did wrong, what I could do better and what should I do next. I come to you with an open heart and I whole-heartedly have absolutely no idea what to do next. I have been told I am good at doing things and achieving them once I've made up my mind. The problem is, I have no idea what to do. None at all.

My mind is blank, my heart is open and I welcome anything you can send me in forms of encouragement, advice and criticism.

Thank you immediately to my family, Cissy, Andy and Joe for your love and support. It helps.

My Mom and Dad visit!!

I gotta give it up to my parents. When I told them I was living in a camper the first thing my Mom said was "some of my happiest times were when I had everything in our camper and we were traveling". My Dad said "think of all the money you'll save!"
So, what do you do when your cool parents are coming to visit and you live in a camper? You rent THEM one!
So that's what we did and boy did we have a blast. Rich and Jeanette had a luxurious 19-footer that we had trucked to the campgrounds. We pulled in beside them in our rig and let the week begin in a scrabble scramble and sunset bonanza.


We stocked up the rigs with some deliciousness from Henry's Market, got them some bikes to ride around and the week was PLANNED. I'd work the morning shift making burritos and then walk to the campsite for some yummy snack trays my Mom would lovingly whip up for lunch. We'd play scrabble and then we'd all head to the beach where they would watch Jorma and I surf.

The best times we had were spent playing games on the deck overlooking the ocean and listening to Smooooooooth Jazz. It's amazingly catchy, as you'll see here.

One day we wandered on down to the Roxy Jam where some of the world's best female longboarders were competing and checked out the award ceremony. We also taught Jorma how to play some Pennyslvania Card Classics like Golf, Circle and Hearts. Once I gave him the Queen of Spades twice in a row he became a quick study...

Each night we'd take a night walk on the beach and watch the sunset...

Each day was filled with sun, games, good food and laughs! My Mom even started a new empire at the campstore with our old school recipe for No-Bake Cookies. We knew we needed a catchier name though, so my Dad came up with "Whale Droppings". They were a hit with the campstore staff and we could barely keep them in stock! Here's my Mom next to our sign!

We played Scrabble SOOOOO late some nights we had to use candlelight to see ! My Mom and Dad brought us some binoculars and we checked out the stars at night (like she was taught to do in Hungary!)

The last day in town we headed to the mountain town of Julian, famous for their apple pies! We took in some beautiful scenery, some yummy sandwiches and it was really great to catch up on politics, the economy and everything that Norm thinks on a Curry Family Drive (especially when you are old enough to be the driver - FINALLY!).



We had a little bit of fun with Dungee in Julian. We kept asking her "Where's Julien?" and she'd go off trying to find him. You see Julian isn't just a town to Dungee, Julien is also the name of Dungee's best human friend, and boy does she miss him and his dog Lola. I like to remind Dungee of all the friends she has back in New York and it's cute to see her look around excited to see him somewhere. All those 'Julian' signs sure did make us miss Julien though...

After Julian we raced back to Cardiff and picked up Jorma to head to.... you guessed it, Cap'n Keno's! The four of us watched the Chargers game and split 2 Fish n' Chips specials washed down with some icy Coors Light. Both my Mom and Dad gave the fish n chips a double thumbs up.

We were sad to to see them leave and pack up camp after a lovely week in the campgrounds playing games, walking and talking, but we know they'll be back. It's so nice to have family visit and I can't wait to go back home to Pennsylvania for the holidays, get some snow, make some popcorn and play some more Scrabble.

CHANGE I can Participate in!

The burrito business sizzled to a tiny spurt this past week and it became apparent that I wasn't going to be able to live off of my rice krispie treat royalties. I have left Bull Taco, the empire by the sea, and am off for new and exciting possibilities!

I began my search for a job last week and am happy to announce that I am now employed (hopefully once I pass training tomorrow) as a canvasser for the Democratic National Committee.

I am going door to door for Barack and all the Democratics. Did YOU know that the Democrats this year are running all on individual donations (i.e. NO special interest money?!?!) YEEE-HAW! Hell, I might as well put myself to good use for the next few weeks, eh?

Jorma is happy as I can now use all my NPR knowledge while pounding the pavement of San Diego. This should ensure a much QUIETER and serene fetch session for us all.

I was inspired by my lovely and totally rockin' friends in Brooklyn: Cissy Schmidt, Sonya Goddy, David Goddy and Judy Goldberg. They have been tirelessly fundraising for Barack and I am so glad I get to carry their enthusiasm to the WEST COAST!

I'm off to take in some waves before I pound the pavement tomorrow - oooh! and I have to memorize my spiel!

Letterman

Just in case you didn't see it the 4 times it aired (being on the same episode as Clooney has it's advantages) here is my Letterman clip. I am posting this for all those lovely folks out there who are looking for on-air talent and need to see a sample of how fetchingly captivating I can be on screen... oh, and how dorkily I hold my bag and wave while I run. I got that going on too...